On Saturday, August 17th we celebrated Landan's 10th Birthday. How insane to know he would be ten years old. The last time I saw, held & kiss my first born son was when he was three years old. Wow. Time flies.
It's almost been seven years since he's been gone. I remember during the first year or two after he died I would listen to the ladies at support group who were further down the road. It was hard because I didn't want to be so many years away from the last time I saw my sweet boy. Here I am, almost seven years down the road. Walking in a pair of shoes I didn't ask for & certainly don't want to be in. I don't want to be the mom who lost a child. But I know that no one does, it's not just me. It wouldn't take me long to compile a list of moms that want their children back too.
I remember after Landan died I was so worried that people would forget about him. I could never have foreseen all the people around the world who've let Landan into their hearts. It's beyond touching & I'm still in awe when someone tells me a story about how Landan has touched & transformed their life. Landan is making a difference in this world, even from Heaven.
That being said I can not hide my feelings about this year's participation. The participation in his balloon release consisted of my family only. It's tough to bear when the first two years had such a huge turnout & since has dwindled to what it was this year ... only family. It makes me feel like people are forgetting about Landan or they think, well it has been almost seven years so it's not as important anymore. But it is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family. It didn't go unnoticed the people that didn't even wish Landan a Happy Birthday whom I expected would. It just broke my heart a little. I feel like it would be a disservice to future events for me hide & not express my feelings. And it would be a lie. Maybe people don't realize how big of a deal it is to me which is fine, I wouldn't expect them to. They're not in my shoes. So here I am, yelling it to you! Two days out of the year I thought I could expect participation or a simple "Hey I'm thinking of Landan." I guess I just didn't expect the turnout to dissipate so quickly.
I feel like the ease to write this isn't flowing naturally like it usually does. I can't find the right words to vent my frustrations & sadness. I wish I didn't have to. I wish my son hadn't died & I wish people still participated like they did in the beginning. I'm not trying to come off as ungrateful. I'm more than grateful for those who participated, for those who release balloon's, for those who lit a candle, for those to left kind words & for those who made a graphic.
If I could choose a word for how I felt at the end of the day it would be defeated. I felt defeated. I felt like I hadn't done a good enough job letting the world know how important the support for Landan is to me even almost seven years later. As I reread those last few lines a poem I'd seen a few years ago came to mind & felt so appropriate to share.
When I left this world it was hard on everyone,
especially my mommy.
The days move on for you,
but not for my mommy.
You may not think of me as much,
but my mommy does.
When your tears stop flowing for me,
my mommy's won't.
When your broken heart heals,
my mommy's won't.
My mommy will never forget me,
so please don't you.
Here is the video I made this year for Landan's birthday. I haven't made one for many years & Landan turning 10yrs old felt like such a big deal to me that I really wanted to make a video.